the white lies & promises

this is random

2012-02-09T00:07:00.000-08:00

i always thought that i believed in reincarnation
until i really thought about it. i mean,
if i really believed in reincarnation would i still be here,
as you know me? if you believed in it would you?

My new favorite waltz

2012-02-08T13:21:00.000-08:00

we didn't spend our life together
and i will miss you forever.
the choice was mine, to long for a time that will never come.
though we leave the world apart
i still went peacefully, quietly
with you still firmly in my heart.
i will wait forever... i wait.

I hadn't even noticed

2012-02-07T12:41:00.000-08:00

"Brother Jim loved to talk about how Jesus wasn't a pussy.
'You see that guy crucified up there?' he yelled.
'You see him? Are his hands closed? NO! Is he making a fist? NO! What does that mean to you? It means something to me. It means he could have just gotten down off that cross anytime he liked, and come down and WASTED all those Roman gladiator motherfuckers. But he kept his hands OPEN! He let go! For YOU! And you sit here and look at that dead guy up there and you don't even notice!"

I'd probably love/believe in/think Jesus was legit if this is how they spun it at Vacation Bible School. Annnd yes, I went to Vacation Bible School in the summers when I was younger. It was only a week long and at the end of the week there was a carnival. I suffered through boring bible shit for the carnival. I only cared about the carnival because there were games and you could win cool stuff. One year I won a gold fish and called it Olivia after Olivia Newton John. The next year I used my tickets to buy balloons. I left with SO many balloons... too many to fit anywhere. They filled up my bedroom and I thought it was the funniest thing ever. My mother wasn't as amused. We shared a room and she was stuck dodging balloons for days.
We weren't religious. My grandparents, who we lived with were Catholic but my mother was an atheist. I think she was ok with me going to Bible School because it was free babysitting for a week.
Anyway, my life would probably be so different if Brother Jim taught any of our classes.

...

2012-02-07T01:24:00.000-08:00

i got nothin and a whole lot more of it than anything right now.

dear me,

when the nothings start being everythings and you feel it happening slowly you can worry and you will write. until then, revel in oblivion. find satisfaction in being underwhelmed. remember that being empty is the same as being full, the only difference is a heart attack.

love, me

"until you are still, i will always be still"

just started reading this book...

2012-02-05T22:06:00.000-08:00

4 pages in and already it's got me

"falling in love with renee

was not the kind of thing you walk away from in one piece.

she put a hitch in my git-along. "

Happy Birthday Andy!!!!!!

2012-02-05T20:52:00.000-08:00

i mish you & i love you

& i hope 32 22

is the best year EVERRRR

like sunlight & air

Hype Wars

2012-02-05T01:16:00.000-08:00

i went back

2012-02-04T01:05:00.000-08:00

this is the first bright eyes song i ever heard.
thank you lee bender.

i learned a new song tonight too. my favorite part is when the uncertain kid comes in.
also the graphics in this video are legit.

it's been awhile since we talked about my smile

2012-02-03T09:31:00.000-08:00

click it & watch

2012-02-01T00:30:00.000-08:00

I Wrote This For You

phase 2 almost complete

2012-01-31T22:14:00.001-08:00

last saturday

2012-01-31T10:11:00.000-08:00

Last Saturday Mel & I went to see our friends The Insects
The show was awesome & we ran into Thaddeus right away.
It was bound to be a good night.

+/-

2012-01-31T00:56:00.000-08:00

short talk with smash today. at the end of the conversation i asked her to try to figure out if the universe is fucking with me. is this a test?

she said

"the universe doesn't test you. the universe has given you everything you need right now."

she's probably right and i'm actually really happy. this year so far has been solid but it's my nature to assume most things are riddles.

vices

2012-01-30T01:02:00.000-08:00

i love this song. i always have.
i'd forgotten about it until a few days ago. it's not a coincidence...

i don't know if you'll read this but in case you do,

i've never forgotten you, K.

i'm happy & lucky to have you still, after years and miles between us.
(another example of the amazing & brilliant people in my life)

god bless the shape your goddamn body makes
you move across my stage
and into frame
a godforsaken plague a thousand shades of grey
hanging about your neck like an embrace
ok
come back to me
lets put us on display
ok
come back to me
you're not who I thought you'd be
its ok its ok its ok its ok its ok its ok its ok its ok
I'm not who I thought I'd be
its ok
its alright
throw your body on the bad times
throw your body on the past
come back come back come back come back
come back to me

Mystery Injury

2012-01-29T12:58:00.001-08:00

10 bucks to anyone who can tell me how I might have broken my finger last night.
I need to get to the bottom of this stat!

UPDATE:
i don't think i broke my finger but it's definitely sore and swollen.
so the mystery still remains it's just not as important.
5 bones to anyone who can tell me how i hurt it this bad.

today

2012-01-29T09:36:00.000-08:00

is a SUPER important day

for someone i LOVE more than life!

it's my best friend/sister/hetero life partner/6ft twin's
BIRTHDAY!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SMASH!
I LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE YOU!!!!!

I miss you mama

& I hope you're having

the BEST birthday ever!!!!!!!

(i hope the voicemail thaddeus & i left at 2am didn't wake you up hehe)

weekend[weakened]

2012-01-27T19:20:00.000-08:00

before work

at work

after work

the canadian's away this weekend leaving me, parker & lola on our own.

after last night i need to relax. tonight i'm watching catfish, writing a paper & eventually taking a bath.

tomorrow night push & i RAGE.

2012-01-26T19:40:00.000-08:00

"You are nothing to me."

I saved that for when I'm feeling sad that you're not in my life anymore.
It reminds me I shouldn't be sad at all.

misplaced affection

2012-01-25T16:58:00.000-08:00

this afternoon on my way back from starbucks a homeless man sitting outside the store says "i like your tattoos."
now, usually any time a homeless person on mill ave speaks to me i ignore them. i see the same people every single day bumming change and harassing people. if they were polite that'd be one thing but 9 times out of 10 they're total assholes. one called me a cunt! i mean he YELLED it from across the street.
i didn't have any change. i NEVER have change. it was the same dude who asks every single day and my thoughts are this: if you're going to be sitting in the same spot EVERY SINGLE DAY for the last year you should be familiar with your surroundings and since you don't have a job or anywhere to be you could AT LEAST pay attention.
i'm walking quickly, sans purse, with a key dangling from my arm, EVERY SINGLE DAY. it doesn't take a high school education or a proper address to be smart enough to figure out that i'm probably working. i work. don't ask me for anything.
beyond the homeless thing i'm also NEVER flattered when anyone compliments my tattoos. either you love them or you hate them. i'm obviously fine with them. they're there forever so your opinion doesn't really matter and i don't think that makes me a bitch. telling me you like my tattoos is up there with asking if they hurt. at this point it doesn't even phase me.
anyway, back to my story. so this guy, in a very passive, gentle voice looks at me with these insanely blue and very sad eyes and says "i like your tattoos."
that was it. he had been sitting outside the store for hours asking almost everyone that passed for change.
he didn't ask me for anything and offered a compliment instead.
for some reason this seriously got to me and for an hour(ish) i went back and forth with myself, my co-worker and customers, should i give him money? buy him a sandwich? take him home and bathe him?
ughhhhhhhhh all of the sudden i had this unexplainable affection for the homeless stranger with sad eyes and gentle voice.
cassie had gotten a sandwich earlier and hadn't finished it. i had $10 and a bottled water in the fridge.
finally i couldn't take it any more. i offered cassie money, grabbed her leftovers and my water, went outside and asked if he was hungry. he said yes and thank you. a few minutes later he was gone and that was that. for the rest of the day i wondered what happened to him. we saw him later a few times just wandering around. i'll probably make a sandwich and look for him again tomorrow.

it really got to me that he got to me and after much thought i came to the conclusion that it's because i miss stewart. stewart is this mangey little beast of a cat that hangs out down the street.
he's so dirty and gross but SO SO sweet and gentle and i haven't seen him in over a month and i think about him all of the time and if he lived in neutral territory i would visit but he doesn't so i can't.
that homeless guy is my new stewart except i won't hug or pet the dude but i can at least feed him and secretly love him.
man. i miss stewart.

evil twin or then & now?

2012-01-24T22:44:00.000-08:00

3 years ago

today

mus[e]ic

2012-01-24T10:42:00.000-08:00

here's a few for you

the kills - pale blue eyes [velvet underground cover]
"thought of you as my mountain, thought of you as my peak
thought of you as everything i've had but couldn't keep"

lovelikefire - my left eye
"if you wanna bury me might as well bury me dead dear dear dear.
& if you wanna follow me might as well you ride with me dear dear dear."

oberhofer - away from you
"you're pushin me away from you & there's nothin i can do"

goyte [feat. kimbra] - somebody that i used to know
"told myself that you were right for me but felt so lonely in your company."

lovelikefire - william
i especially like this one...

just take your toys from me.

im not so interested in playing with you.

a pessimist, that's all they think of you.

i'm not ashamed of you but that's what they see.

& 50 cents to buy a popsicle,

a moment we could share

but you won't do that.

just take your attitude. i'm not in love with you anymore.

don't pretend tomorrow will be better for you.

i'm sure you'll find a way to disagree.

but that's the way it goes for you & me.

& that's the way it should be.

hold me down before i do something that i'll regret.

i get the urge to take my chances when i know i shouldn't speak.

just take your time machine.

i'm not so interested in turning around.

what's the use explaining everything you swear is true?

i'm believing less in what you do.

are you misunderstood?

a perfect score, a hurricane to blow me out the door,

i never meant to be a safe excuse for all of your pain.

don't pretend tomorrow will be better for you.

pick me ups

2012-01-23T12:02:00.000-08:00

www.laser314.blogspot.com

"you can't bleed forever. sooner or later

you will either die or live. "

"you can try being broken and you can try forgetting.

all i know is that i'm no longer broken about the things i have forgotten. "

www.iwrotethisforyou.me

TWIST!

2012-01-22T02:38:00.000-08:00

tonight was supposed to go like this
tempe--> phoenix-->chandler-->tempe-->scottsdale
casual hangs, warm up, rage, the end

instead it ended up like this
tempe--> phx-->tempe-->phx-->tempe-->phx-->scottsdale

3 police
2 trains
1 possible dead body
0 bars

STILL! totally fun. we had a time.
as in "we had a time didn't we?"

2012-01-21T12:03:00.000-08:00

significant: 11 and over. 8 until never is a long way to go. 31 minus 31.

event hopping

2012-01-21T08:44:00.000-08:00

it's going to be a busy night!

i'd do anything

2012-01-20T17:28:00.000-08:00

don't look back if you fall & you're feelin bad

i'm right there from your cut to when you're peelin the scab

2012-01-20T15:14:00.000-08:00

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Everything suddenly unraveling!
Bee sting
Knife wound
Paper cut

Owww-ahhh

i still check religiously

2012-01-20T02:05:00.000-08:00

CLMC of the day

http://phoenix.craigslist.org/nph/mis/2808764240.html

the highs

2012-01-18T20:47:00.000-08:00

big smiles all day. thanks guys! <3

my day so far

2012-01-17T14:26:00.000-08:00

morning bike ride... my first in awhile!

and then these came... someone loves me

and i got the watch i've been wanting!!!

i like to give too...

best day in SO SO SO long!!!

update AND music. yay.

2012-01-14T22:52:00.000-08:00

so last night i passed out hard core. that sizzurp was no joke. wanna see my sleep cycle?

deep sleep immediately!

anyway, i've been slacking on posting music and i don't have many tonight but that's because i had to do homework, spent an hour on the phone with my saraboo, got caught up in some unsolved crime show, took more meds & i HAVE to paint my nails before they kick in SO you get 3 videos. i LOVE these though. LOVE.

monster - meg myers

her voice + her boobies+ the song = LOVELOVELOVE

the last goodbye - the kills

waltz + lyrics + her voice + her hair = LOVELOVELOVE

gone - the head & the heart

that girl's voice + acoustic guitar + audience participation = LOVELOVELOVE

k that's all i got for now. more this week pinky swear.

my friday the 13th... in pictures

2012-01-13T21:58:00.000-08:00

i went to sleep at 4 this morning, didn't bother setting my sleep cycle alarm because i knew how depressed i'd be when i saw the 4 hour countdown on my phone. instead i woke up an hour early on my own, at 7am YAY! due to my lingering cough.

so, i got 3 hours of sleep and struggled to function. obviously everything today has been hilarious.

mel & i decided we had died from sleep deprivation so we did what anyone would do, made death a place (a rest area to be exact) & checked in. i'll be the mayor by tomorrow for sure.

after work (& death) L & i got indian which is basically heaven on a plate. it makes us lovey.

yesterday in the mail i got quite possibly one of the funniest books i've ever read. it may be even funnier to me today due to lack of sleep but it's probably just as funny either way & i don't want it to end which is why i took a break to write this post. (this B may or may not be the reason i was craving indian today.)

oh yeah after dinner we stopped so i could get some of the coffee creamer mel has me addicted to but they didn't have it so i ended up with a solution to my coughy problem instead. (the only sizzurp i sip)

which promises to relieve me of a bad night's sleep but will also contribute to many a LOL in the mean time. i'm funny sober, super funny sleep drunk & super extra funny on any kind of PM medicine.

or maybe those last 2 scenarios just make everything funnier TO me. either way, it's my blog & i'll blog about whatever i want. ("put it in your blog!" good one.)

i figured i didn't need to waste any energy texting but REALLY needed to complain that i couldn't get any of that delicious creamer so i asked Siri, who in the past has been a major fail on making my phone life easier and tonight was no different. i hate her & i think i've only ever not used Siri & cunt in the same sentence once, below actually.

and that'd be all except i remembered this little gem from yesterday. the party hat really makes it i think.

the end. thank you friday the 13th. you have been awesome.

Totes made my day!

2012-01-13T17:39:00.000-08:00

"Home of the Cardinals"
should really be called "Arizona, home of white rappers. Nuff said."

but for real, don't watch this video. just don't.
is he missing a tooth or is that supposed to be gold or something?
nevermind, don't watch. or do because i almost peed my pants.

Evolution Of The Kill - Lovesong (The Cure cover)

2012-01-12T09:29:00.000-08:00

From our Clubhouse show 10/1/11

last day of 2011

2012-01-12T00:30:00.000-08:00

(so far 2012 is even more awesome than 2011)

i don't think you get it.

2012-01-10T23:34:00.000-08:00

if all you care about is yourself eventually you'll be the only one who cares about you.
if all you care about is yourself eventually you'll be the only one who cares about you.
if all you care about is yourself eventually you'll be the only one who cares about you.
if all you care about is yourself eventually you'll be the only one who cares about you.
if all you care about is yourself eventually you'll be the only one who cares about you.
if all you care about is yourself eventually you'll be the only one who cares about you.

We're playing tonight!

2012-01-07T15:08:00.000-08:00

give & take, balance & fair trade

2012-01-04T00:49:00.000-08:00

i try to support all of my friends in what they do, whatever it is. there are some people i've supported over the last 2 years who haven't thought twice about returning the favor though and it bums me out. people whose songs & albums i've bought, whose music i've shared, whose tattoos i've sat through and t-shirts i've worn, whose art, careers & passion i cared about enough to enlist my friends as well and surprisingly they've never considered doing the same for me because if it's not about hip hop or their crew it's just not their "thing" and apparently in that case it's ok to take, take, take.
i guess that's cool but this year give, give, give isn't my thing.
this weekend was roll call and unfortunately a handful of people were missing (only a carrie size handful though.)
for everyone else, you're awesome & i can't tell you how much i appreciate your support.
i never, ever forget even the littlest things.
i know you love me & i love you too.
thank you thank you thank you times a bazillion.
the video views, RTs, shared links, texts, phone calls, high fives, praise... it's all blowing my mind. i'm really proud of what we've been doing & i'm so glad you like it too. <3

2012-01-03T16:34:00.000-08:00

two sides
and this is mine,
the one where differences
mark distances
not the other way around.
because i've been there before
i'll never go there again.
for 12 years, 4 months & 20 days
i've been walking away,
i've been drawing lines
& this side,
it's mine.

you're just a tourist.
i live here.

to be honest sometimes i want you to relate. this aint up for discussion. it's not a topic for debate.

2012-01-02T21:25:00.000-08:00

"Are they all dancing now? Are you joining the party?
Are you celebrating your life just by destroying your body?
It's a part of your psyche that I want to sightsee.
I dont need you as a tour guide and I dont want you to like me."

Evolution Of The Kill - Memorize You

2011-12-31T13:16:00.000-08:00

Evolution of the Kill news!!!

2011-12-31T00:16:00.000-08:00

The video for our new song Memorize You goes live today at 12pm. Check here: www.evolutionofthekill.com

i want to map our future

by the look in your eyes...

ohhhh shit!

2011-12-30T01:38:00.000-08:00

i just realized that it's almost (dangerously) time for an end o'the year post...

the kind where i recap my favorite parts of twenty eleven/twothousandandeleven

and tell you what i learned in the last 365 days

and take inventory. ya know, acknowledge my lost and founds

and unveil my plans for twenty twelve/twothousandandtwelve

buuut the truth is, this year may have gone by too fast for me to be able to do any of that.

by my calculations it should only be about june... maybe early july and definitely not this near to january.

i'll send 2011 off with a farewell of some sort but i can't promise it will be a proper one.

gah! at this point it's only a matter of hours...

i can tell you this for certain,

i'm really, really looking forward to the world ending in a major way next year OR (seriously i mean that capitol "OR") for it to not end and people/me/you/us/we being sincerely happy that we've got more time with each other.

so maybe that'll be my "thing" for 2012, all or nothing. in or out. life or death.

lemme think about it and i'll get back to you.

2011-12-27T22:07:00.000-08:00

When you make a change for the worse things around you start to go that way too. Fortunately the same is true for the opposite.

2011-12-22T16:19:00.000-08:00

i've got a lot to say right now & no one to say it to.
(i get quiet when i know it doesn't matter to anyone but me)

IF you knew me you'd KNOW.

this weeks picks

2011-12-22T01:26:00.000-08:00

tonight week i found some REALLY really really good stuff
like... i LOVE these... love.
i hope you actually listen, listen hard
& i hope you feel it too

*forest fire - mnts are mnts
(the piano is amazing and the vibe is so, so heavy plus it's a waltz which always wins in my book)
*vuvuvultures - i'll cut you

(sheesh. that's all i can say)

*the drums - down by the water

(chorus is silly but the rest makes up for it)

*the young friends - i won't break your heart
(this is just fun & the singer reminds me of the jazz june so... it's love!)
*those dancing days - one day forever & fuckarias
(on a lot of their songs this girl sounds like fiona apple if fiona were alive & awake, i'm not dissing, love fi but i'm sayin... ya know?)
*daradoorian - you are dangerous

(this is a steel train cover. i don't like the original, i think they sacrificed the lyrics for the sound & that sucks. i dont particularly love this version either but it's works better)

& this is random but somehow i started thinking about juliana hatfield and remembered she did a song with evan dando and it was one of my favorites in high school so i found it...

my drug buddy

also, look down at my earlier post. that PETS song is awesome.

enjoi <3

Don't You Say Your Heart's Broken

2011-12-21T21:28:00.000-08:00

don't you say your hearts broken cause we know its not

you could pick up the pieces but you just forgot

you're so cold cold cold but the weathers warm

with your white white skin & your black soul

i know you'll find someone when you're out on your own

whoa-oh

you've got a mouth full of diamonds & a pocket full of secrets

2011-12-19T23:53:00.000-08:00

the patterns that control your mind
those patterns take away my time
hello goodbye

finally finished "the wall"

2011-12-14T21:50:00.000-08:00

maybe finished isn't the right word.

i still need antlers and/or (an) animal skull(s)

xmas is coming.

topFIVEtimesTWO

2011-12-12T02:30:00.000-08:00

my new treasures!
i found so many i couldn't narrow it down to 5 so you get 10.
i can't even put them in a preferred order. this is random.
click or scroll

1. Anyone's Ghost - The National
2. I'm His Girl - Friends
3. Stay Golden - Au Revoir Simone
4. Die Young - The Sweet Serenades
5. Coming of Age - Tribes
6. Dead Oaks - Now, Now
7. Whirring - The Joy Formidable
8. Crown on the Ground- Sleigh Bells (the quality is shit BUT you get it)
9. Cardinals - The Republic of Wolves (like mixing brand new & the casket lottery)
10.

let's lie down for awhile. you can smile.

2011-12-11T02:26:00.000-08:00

you only give me what you don't want no more...

unexplained phenomenon

2011-12-09T09:01:00.000-08:00

bob marley stuck in my head. like EVERY day now.

getting up

2011-12-04T01:26:00.000-08:00

Yay for KCDC (BK, NY) getting the back of the January Thrasher magazine.
& double YAY! for my BFF being in the photo.

2011-12-02T23:17:00.000-08:00

untied,
untangled,
the knot.
we're not...
anymore.
and still no less
than before.
because i couldn't
and you wouldn't,
we have to
(dont let me)

l

   e

   t

f o r g
   o
   e
   t



just walk away.

top 5 top 5

2011-12-02T22:10:00.000-08:00

i never really liked Nylon magazine but for the past 2 years somehow always managed to get a hand me down copy of the latest. until this week i've flipped through, spun a mini rant in my head about what a jumbled mess they've made of nothing and eventually added it to the pile of magazines at work without a 2nd thought.
this week was different though. for reasons unknown i decided to give Nylon's music reviews some attention which led me to their site which then led me to hours and hours of hoarding albums that i'm sad to admit i've been sleeping on... ahhh i've got so much catching up to do! (& God Bless America! they've got archives!)
i'm so happy with my new treasures i'm going to share. consider this a pay it forward kinda deal.

my top 5 this week:
(click to hear/watch)

1. As Far As I Can See - Phantogram (see post below)
2. When I'm Small - Phantogram
3. Possibilities - Hurricane Bells (see yesterday's post)
4. Daydream - Youth Lagoon
5. Get Left In the Dark - Nerves Junior

As Far As I Can See (live acoustic)

2011-12-02T20:58:00.000-08:00

everything, everything has turned out wrong

2011-12-01T10:31:00.000-08:00

2011-11-28T12:55:00.000-08:00

considering the average life expectancy for americans is around 77 years old and i'm now...
(ugh, this pains me to say) 33, it's not a stretch to think that i could be having my (slightly early) mid-life crisis.

2011-11-28T10:18:00.001-08:00

2011-11-27T01:23:00.000-08:00

this morning driving over the bridge i saw a man walking with a parrot on his shoulder.
when i got to work i passed a giant pile of vomit at our back door.
later, at the gym a guy stopped me mid sprint to tell me he rode 5 miles in 10:59 and then just walked away with his fist in the air.

i dunno.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-23T23:29:00.000-08:00

It never hurts to put some good into the Universe & what better time or way than a Thanksgiving post? Here's a list of all the things & people I'm especially thankful for...

70(ish) degree Novembers & Decembers & 60(ish degree) Januarys

that I got to go to New York twice this year

(Kormos & RyRy made my trips super awesome)

sweet road trips with Mel

(espesh the SoCal/Marc Jackson trip)

horseback riding in the jungle

bananas, peanut butter & cinnamon (not all 3 together)

coffee (iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou)

mountains & palm trees

speaker phone

my bike

my feet

my amazing backside (srsly)

my house, pool, orange tree & regular hummingbird visitors

Pillow Talk (& Rachel) in Carmel, IN

pedicures & Tony

the really amazing additions to my collection from Sara, Noah and especially Laser. (they're the things I'd grab first if my house caught on fire, after Parker & Ludlow obvi)

that Lady T finally got to come live in the States

that Mel & Becky are Cancer free, that my pop's heart isn't broken & that everyone else I love is in good health

I'm thankful for a lot of people too.

I'm thankful for my dad, the rest of my American family, Lear,

the rest of my Canadian family, Parker & Ludlow

I'm thankful for my friends, specifically

my Every Days : Mel & Jordan

& my Far Aways: Kormos, Smash, Laser, Sara, Craig & Megs

my bandmates

the ladies I work with (past & present)

the awesome baristas at my Starbucks

Harvey & Dr. Mattalino

the ABSURD gang

all of the really sweet people in the AZ hip hop scene who have welcomed me with their big smiles, big hugs & big ups

all of the people who have supported & inspired me, the creative ones, the writers, poets, artists & musicians I cross paths (or internets) with on the regular

& last but not least, I'm thankful for Zombie Boy (HA!)

So there it is! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Today I'm going to ravage some Tofurkey, hike Papago & hit up my lil buddy Mouse Powell's CD release. (I'm also thankful that I'll be spending my holiday this way.)

<3

739

2011-11-21T16:53:00.000-08:00

the synchronicity that you read about
never happened that i know.
it was early enough
but too late
so we left,
hell bent on nothing
no reproach and no reprise
and that's the way it ends.

2011-11-20T09:48:00.000-08:00

2011-11-19T01:19:00.000-08:00

"if you ask me, she is longing for shipwrecks & sudden death."

2011-11-17T23:46:00.000-08:00

i am going to let myself feel this.
i am going to let it kill me every single day,
because my waking life is spent half asleep in every other way.

Memorize You

2011-11-14T01:14:00.000-08:00

Memorize You shoot- take 2.

6.5 hours

actress life is hard

Feel the hollowness inside of your heart

2011-11-09T23:25:00.000-08:00

and it's all right where it belongs

2011-11-09T17:47:00.000-08:00

there's too much stuff all jumbly and rambly in my head and i can't write because i can't sort through it all or make sense of it and i hate this.

backyard crime scene

2011-11-09T17:42:00.000-08:00

there are feathers in my pool

2011-11-09T02:32:00.000-08:00

breathe and push it aside. breathe and push it down.
breathe and forget.

me & RyRy

2011-11-07T20:55:00.000-08:00

i love holding hands

i woke up & looked outside...

2011-11-07T09:26:00.000-08:00

where do i live & who took our weather?

i lost my balance

2011-11-06T21:14:00.000-08:00

even though technically i'm back in real life it doesn't feel like real life yet.

maybe part of me expected time to stop while i was away but it didn't. it's cold here now and the oranges are almost orange and everything is covered in dust... but the sun still shines.
it's weird how much 4 days really seemed like 4 seconds and even weirder that i can feel the way i feel about leaving a place that's never been home.
anyway, this morning my heart was heavy the way it used to be when i had to come back from indy... maybe it's not where i was but instead where i keep ending up? maybe not.
i'm still on ny time so if i look tired it's because i am and if i seem distant it's an unexpected disconnect that i can't help. i don't know where my head is and my hearts split in two.
one thing is certain, that if i tell myself it's nothing and that it will pass, it is and it will.

New York, Yo & the city

2011-11-05T22:26:00.000-07:00

24 hours from now

2011-11-02T00:40:00.000-07:00

i'll be in brooklyn falling asleep to the sound of the subway right outside my window.

goodbye arizona.
this time i promise, i'll miss you while i'm away.

xo

every morning & sometimes at night too

2011-11-01T00:18:00.000-07:00

bike rides...

(bighorn sheep)

(my 1st scorpion sighting)

HappBEE Halloween!

2011-11-01T00:10:00.000-07:00

bzzzzzzzt

Halloween came early this year

2011-10-30T01:22:00.000-07:00

So Lord Bishop & Lady T finally tied the knot.
YAY.
I missed both ceremonies BUT made the after party.
In true Bishop fashion it was Halloween themed. Obvs.
I was a Harajuku Girl
NOT Rainbow Bright, a raver or a little girl...
Quote of the Night:
"You look like a 14yr old from behind.
I keep wondering who brought the kid." - Zombie Joe

2011-10-28T02:34:00.000-07:00

sometimes i forget that i'm the only one who matters and that regardless of what anyone else does with themselves or each other, i'm not obligated to give it any relevance.

My BF with AND without tattoos

2011-10-21T17:39:00.000-07:00

(he's a beauty either way)

The Naked & Famous (10/18/11 - Crescent Ballroom.Phoenix)

2011-10-19T10:53:00.000-07:00

i got a bit of Young Blood...

it's broken up into 2 vids cause i'm no A/V genuis ;)

we lie beneath the stars at night

our hands gripping each other tight

you keep my secrets hope to die

promises, swear them to the sky

2011-10-17T22:46:00.000-07:00

new york again in 16 days.
all it took was a text that said something like
"i'm off work for the next 3 weeks.
you should come out here."

done & done.

(sorry you broke your collar bone but...
thanks for breaking your collar bone!)

10.1.11

2011-10-11T19:21:00.001-07:00

iwrotethisforyou.me - the cosmic joke

2011-10-07T02:30:00.000-07:00

"And yet, of all these things, we feel sadness the most. We are never buoyed upon an ocean of apathy. We are never crushed by complacency. We are never moved by the okayness of the world.

Sadness and pain, to help us flee danger and hurt. To help us get away when we're bleeding. You have a body and it screams "Something stirs like broken glass in my chest, leave this place, before I die."

An animal part of us, still here after all these years, breaks our hearts."

love

2011-10-06T20:42:00.000-07:00

(good looking out A)

3:10am. getting ready for the show.

2011-10-01T03:12:00.000-07:00

andy! these are my shoes, those are your shoes...

2011-09-28T01:43:00.000-07:00

i found this issue (yesterday while i was packing)
:)

This Saturday, Octoboo ONE

2011-09-28T00:23:00.000-07:00

EVOLUTIONoftheKILL
w/THE IRIS

Full set of new material...
featuring our cover of Lovesong by the Cure,
the Transmission EP in it's entirety
AND one BRAND NEW song from our upcoming video, Memorize You.

2011-09-21T03:00:00.000-07:00

“ It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are. e. e. cummings

i don't know what's worse, being shaped by people or the lack of them.

Birthday Wrap Up (unofficially)

2011-09-20T02:08:00.000-07:00

Abby Boo made me a brownie cake & gave me a crown!

My Kormos Cookie Cake. The tradition continues.

The waitress said she assumed I didn't want them to sing to me.

And again, my Audrey goodies from Noah.

If you haven't caught on yet, the theme this year is art.

I've been drooling over this frame for about a year &

now it's mine.

I had a really amazing birthday. I was a little bummed for awhile thinking this year wouldn't compare to the last few. In '10 I spent the weekend in San Diego. In '09 Kormos flew here from NY to surprise me. In '08 I spent the weekend in Indy with friends and family. Stacey even flew in from L.A.

This year I got lots of love & went for a bike ride.

simple & perfect.

& though technically it's been over for about 2 hours, it's not actually over.

I still have a few dinners & a package from across the world to look forward to.

Thanks to everyone who helped make today a pretty solid day. <3

breathe in/ laser3.14

2011-09-16T03:10:00.000-07:00

all of you must know by now that Laser3.14 is one of my absolute FAVORITE artists.
to say i'm honored by this is the understatement of the year.
seeing MY words painted by someone i appreciate and admire so much is amazing.
(i can't thank you enough.)

2011-09-15T02:01:00.001-07:00

happenings swirl around me

everything like ash

burnt somethings

floating down around me

i move like slow motion

but can't catch my breath

you keep happening

presents!? for moi!?

2011-09-14T00:38:00.000-07:00

My birthday is in 5 days!!!
& already I got some pretty amazing presents!
I am now the proud owner of a signed & numbered
"Charlotte"

annnnd the super awesome

Hi-Fructose Collected Edition 2 Box Set

that comes with all these insane goodies inside.

I also got the "U Mad Bro?" shirt I've had my fingers crossed for.

All of this thanks to one really rad, ridiculously considerate

& truly thoughtful, Noah.

(My birthday is off to an excellent start!

Thank you times a gazillion! <3 )

2011-09-13T01:16:00.000-07:00

i found all of these old pictures...

“ Memories are killing...

2011-09-09T02:25:00.000-07:00

"Love the ones who treat you right

& forget the ones who don't."

pretty easy words to live by.

note to self: start living by them.

2011-09-06T02:53:00.000-07:00

i hate asking for things. for anything. from anyone.

need is a weakness, desire is too.

when you ask of another

you sacrifice a part of yourself.

better make sure it's worth it.

(the discomfort pales in comparison to what i'll feel when i get what i asked for)

Rock Sliding in Sedona

2011-09-05T02:19:00.000-07:00

(i didn't know that posse of bros was there and i got super embarrassed hehe also, you can't hear it but i actually apologized to them, for what? i dunno but i said sorry haha)
anyway, you might think i'm a big ol' pussy
BUT that shit really hurt!
that river kicked my ass! literally!

i'd rather you come with me

2011-09-01T01:55:00.000-07:00

a pause isn't a sacrifice worth suffering through.

it's hard to breathe stale air.

it's too easy to drown in still water.

and over only starts after us,

a dissolved us,

the used to be, we.

but it isn't ever new

over is just again in disguise.

and going back

eventually feels like

been there done that.

deja vu.

an unsatisfying, endless search...

that ends,

again and again.

so i won't.

there's no other way than forward

to keep from missing out,

to keep from wasting time,

to keep from being kept.

even if it means losing some good along the way.

hands, they grow tired.

someone has to let go.

fingers slip

or there's friction

and everything solid starts to melt.

hearts beat and burst or break

so 123 keep going

or 321 nowhere left to go.

i choose forward

even if it means losing you along the way.

2011-08-30T21:43:00.000-07:00

lately i've been thinking about getting rid of some things
permanent things
permanent things that symbolize very,very temporary things

but

i promised myself
and promises to myself are probably the only things
i can ever really count on keeping

2011-08-29T03:18:00.000-07:00

It's the little things that count annnnd
sometimes it's the teeny tiny things too.
(When it comes to friends little things are the kind of things they just do
because they're your friend. Those little things, AKA "normal" friend things can end up making a HUGE difference.)
Sometimes it's one person genuinely asking
"How are you?"
Not because it's polite or because it's casual habit or because you're being different and they need to get to the bottom of it, but because they're actually interested in how you ARE.
Sometimes it's that the conversation goes from the normal give/take, talk/listen to
"Ok, GO! Ramble, rage, go off! Vent to me! Because you need to and because
even if I can't help, I care and I can tell that you need to know that someone does."
Even though you may never actually feel like no one cares,
sometimes it's that one person, in that specific moment, cares.
And sometimes it's not about sympathy or empathy it's just acknowledgement.
A little acknowledgement can go a long, long way.

And then there are the teeny tiny things like:
hearing 2 of your favorite laughs in unison
or a quick "Hello" from across the world...

For me the teeny tiny things are usually about timing
and the timing has been spot on lately.